We Are Doomed

Hopefully there are intelligent beings somewhere outside our solar system because we are clearly running an intellect deficit here on Earth.

If you haven’t heard, there is some “controversy” about an “Unidentified” Flying Object captured on CNN’s camera during this past week’s Inauguration ceremony. By “controversy” I literally mean that some fat, lazy 45 year old living in his mother’s basement saw it while watching the broadcast of said event as he was busy not being at work and has decided to make a conspiracy theory out of it to ramp up his YouTube hits. Of course, by “unidentified” I actually mean that it was in fact identified, however people refuse to believe it is what it is because it’s far more entertaining and totally rational in our otherwise boring and pathetic lives to believe it came from outer-freaking-space.

It’s a bird. No really, it’s a bird. It isn’t a U.F.O., it isn’t a flying saucer and it isn’t a Frisbee. It’s a bird.

That being said, one can only imagine why any beings of “higher intelligence” would ever have any interest in the happenings of planet Earth. It is not, however, difficult to understand why they wouldn’t want to stop in and say “hello.” After all, there’s no telling what a mass of stupid people will do when confronted with something they don’t understand. Of course, we know exactly what we’d do. We’d shoot them down. We’d kill them. Fire would rain down as far as the eye can see. Keanu Reeves would somehow be involved in the entire affair, offering up a perfectly-timed “whoa” as we stand in the aftermath pondering the implications of what we have just done.

My favorite part of viewing a YouTube clip is not the actual footage; rather I enjoy reading the comments left by Earth’s finest. Keep in mind these people are actually allowed to procreate and one can reasonably assume they are doing so, or, at the very least, engaging in acts with one another that can facilitate such. (How's that for fear-mongering?)

These are actual quotes (in italics), unedited and lifted directly off YouTube’s website with follow-up commentary provided by yours truly:

I think its real because it moves so fast. I think they came to watch what was a pivotal moment in earth history. They probably had a message to deliver to us

Yeah, that’s probably exactly what happened. Nothing gets the juices of a higher being going like seeing the walls of racial inequity in America torn to the ground. I love the “earth history” part. That’s classic American myopia if I've ever seen it. As if our electing a “black person” somehow changes the face of the earth. Hat’s off to you, sir. You’ve a leg up on the rest of mankind.

oh common get brain. There is no way any aircraft would be legally allowed to fly that low after 9/11. They would have scrambled fighter lets

Oh “common” get a brain? Awesome. You win.

Официальный контакт с инопланетянами состоялся, с чем вас всех и поздравляю.

What the hell is this, some made up nerd language? Pff. English or bust, amigo.

hey someone should get the full video of this .. i live in canada and as i was watching the inaug on cnn, i swear to got i seen that object hovering over the WH during a interview on cam .... if someone can get the complete coverage ... its in there. My wife, my kids and a few friends all seen it .... after seeing this vid .. we feel someone should check it out

Hey, great idea. We’re so on it. We ‘seen’ it too, yes sir, an we gon’ shoot the shit outta it if it come roun' these here parts again, rest assure.

And so concludes this week’s example as to why we are all totally and completely doomed. As always, it’s been real.

-B